The knowledge --- nobody has it

These semi-journal entries follow the mysterious nature of what it is to create a book.

“the knowledge —- nobody has it.” Meissonier.

The gift happens in the unfolding. This is where I write my unfolding.

I am 29 floors up in a city so big it could swallow me whole. I ask Jayson if we can move here one day. I would love to sit in a room for two months and never leave it. I would sit and write all the things that come up to me from the city. What is this about me that I wish to be both part of the excitement and also hidden away safe in my tower writing?

I used to call them tugs, the little things I would listen to as I worked my way through the day. Little nudges suggesting a thing. We speak of the next right step, but what does that even mean? Where and how do we find it? Is it really as simple as just a thought we can’t put down? And is that the way to our desires? Desire being that elusive queen who pulls us in a direction. I was taught my desires must be mastered, now I wish only to hear them more clearly. Are there true confines to place our desires within? Is my book one of them? My husband plays Beethoven’s moonlight sonata in the background. Mournful desire breaking upon my inward turmoil. Life is beauty in my San Francisco hotel room 29 stories high.

I added more pages to the book today. My thoughts were as follows: little ones growing bigger, there she is - the reason, I am alone and it is dark, suffering, avoid at all costs, we love her, and there is stillness. I am curious to see how these things will reveal themselves to others.